There is a crack in everything...

old picture duuuummmmpppppp!

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 03:01:15 GMT

Yes, there probably are some there.
Good god, Mesa.

I had an overwhelming urge to add "S"s to all of these. Alas, I did not.
I suppose those butts are unhappy enough as it is.

One of the studios I used to work at.

According to the check-cashing place by my house, these qualify as advertisements for phone cards.
You gotta love Mexicans.

WoW quests are hilarious sometimes. It's a shame Michael never got this far to appreciate it. LOLLERSKATES.

Vietnamese DONG.
omgomgomgomgomg

XXVII

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:27:42 GMT

One thing that birthdays teach us is that tomorrow is not a given. The only real time that you actually have at your disposal, to use, to plan, to act with...is NOW.
Roger Waters tells us that, "We spend 18 years preparing for a life that has already begun" and that you "spend your whole life preparing for the future like it's timeless, then you will find out that you're living your life right now".

I turn 27 today.

And I am cool with it.
25 and most of 26 are what I now like to refer to as my "crisis years" and now that they are behind me, it's high time to march forward and be proud. I don't feel old, I feel awesome.
Bring it on, new year!

Although, every birthday, without fail reminds me of this song, because you can't just live your life waiting for shit to happen:

Ticking away
the moments
that make up a dull day

Fritter and waste the hours
in an offhand way
Kicking around
on a piece of ground
in your home town

Waiting for someone
or something
to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine
staying home to watch the rain

And you are young
and life is long
and there is time to kill today

And then one day you find
ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run
to catch up with the sun
but it's sinking

Racing around
to come up behind you again

The sun is the same
in a relative way
but you're older
Shorter of breath
and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter
never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught
or half a page of scribbled lines

Hanging on
in quiet desperation
is the English way

The time is gone
the song is over
thought I'd something more to say

mexico:

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 20:00:14 GMT

Doing another "cut".
If you haven't updated your journal in forever, you're out.
No lurking allowed.

Two Monocles revival! (sort of!)

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 04:55:31 GMT

Our old website is gone (if you haven't noticed).
So, I've archived all the old comics and there's a nice note about our untimely death also:

http://jinniferb.com/twomonocles/

a rant:

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 19:42:03 GMT

I can't believe this thing that's not much bigger than a penny and mostly made of plastic is going to cost $556 ($628 w/tax and shit).
I understand that the insurance and healthcare companies want you to pop out as many babies as possible because you're just making more customers for them to rape on your own dime (and especially the sick ones! you pay more money that way!), but jesus christ. I don't understand why it's SO expensive. And it's especially prohibitive for those of us who aren't freaking employed. Yeah, that's logical. You'd think the smart thing to do would be to make it as cheap and as accessible as possible so that poor/unemployed people like me aren't pumping out children that will end up leeching off the system because we can't afford to have them. Squeezing a a baby out of your vagina is free (it'll come out of you no matter what/where/how) but putting a tiny plastic doodad in you to prevent such a thing is half a grand? How does that make any sense?

I get that, in the long run, it's relatively the cheapest method (assuming I use it for all of the 10 years it's 'good' for, that comes out to be about $55/year for hassle free birth control) but...I dunno. I'm pretty sure I've never spent that much money on any single object in my life, at least not all at once. Not saying it's not worth it, I guess I just have a problem with how expensive birth control is and always has been in general. Even when I briefly had health insurance, they still didn't cover any of it.

Why is it so pricey?
It's not made of anything special and it doesn't really do anything besides sit there.

I hate you baby-centric American healthcare system. I hate you.

notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part SEVENTEEN

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 20:38:15 GMT

The last and possibly the funnest entry of them all. Just bizarre, random, candid, goofy, shit that we took pictures of that make no sense or we just thought were hilarious/pointless in some way.
Enjoy!

A billboard at the bus depot.

A rare structure that houses a coin-operated telephone with no raping or hobos in it! WHAT.

What is the point of this?

Yes, they were delicious.

Sneaky boob shot.

We were really excited about the goat beer.

See?

REALLY EXCITED.

It was only 50 cents! What do you want from us!?

At a cafe.

Allowed.

Bacon...pizza...thing! So good.

I don't know.

Guns, Dave.

The fucking coolest hat a person can own.

Meat, potatoes and beer. Heaven.

Some kind of really strong concoction.

Will she be there if I sign up? Bus bench.

Punk flyers on a bus stop in Kutna Hora.

I did not order this. I don't think I would have woken up ever again if I had.

The strip club we wandered into in the wee hours of the morning. $5 beers, WTF!

Hilarious graffiti on an alley wall.

Possibly the only place in Prague where you can't smoke.

Peeing statues in front of the Kafka museum!! The hips swiveled too. A nice touch.

K is for Kafka.

Man thinking in cafe.

Doofus.

The most adorable little flower/garden/herb shop. The women who were working there were smoking in the alley and they watched me take the picture. Har.

Jew-ffiti?

A plant growing in the bricks.

Wild poppies.

Hooligans in the park. Clearly up to no good.

In the same park.

A monument to the Nazi occupation.

Champagne in a bucket. Can't climb out.

THIS STATUE HAS A RAGING BONER. Just look at it. Real hard.

A terrifying pizza box.

notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part SIXTEEN

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 20:07:56 GMT

Ok, this is the second to the last post I'll be making about Prague. This one is primarily of random statues, parks, gardens, buildings, fountains and other things I thought were interesting/beautiful but not necessarily specific enough to explain anything about the pictures after I took them. Cool stuff in passing.
But wait! The next post is what's golden. Haha. Still worth a look.

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part FIFTEEN

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 19:54:10 GMT

Our hostel, which I believe was called "Crib 15" but didn't have any outdoor signage to indicate anything about the establishment whatsoever. We were supposed to say in the "Chili Hostel" but when we got there they had lost our reservations and were completely booked. So we got sent to their sister property which was still kind of under initial construction, aside from the creepy toilet, the place was pretty nice. $127USD for 2 people for 5 days.

notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part FOURTEEN

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 19:46:12 GMT

Strangely owned by The Knights of the Maltese Cross, the "John Lennon wall" is a living, breathing, continuously evolving work of free, public art in the name of peace and political prosperity.

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part THIRTEEN

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 19:33:08 GMT

Built in 1357, the now pedestrian-only Charles Bridge is decorated with over 30 Baroque statues of saints, patron saints and other martyred types and connects the East and West banks of Prague.

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part TWELVE

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 19:25:00 GMT

Alphonse Mucha is my all-time favorite fine artist/graphic designer. The fact that he was crazy talented AND commercially successful in both of those realms is impressive when making a living from your art and only your art is a pipe dream for 99.9% of people who even possess the gift. Sad state of affairs we live in, artists. But thems the brakes. Being Czech and the father of Art Nouveau certainly don't hurt his cred either. So, of course, I had to make a pilgrimage to the museum dedicated to his life and work. (I did not, however, get a chance to see the Municipal House or the Slav Epic...next time!).

(cameras weren't allowed in here either. look at me, such a rebel.)

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part ELEVEN

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 19:06:16 GMT

Ah, the Museum of Medieval Torture Instruments! A delicious treat, indeed. What can be said about this stuff that you don't already know? Basically, early Christians tortured and killed just about anyone (mostly women) who they felt, well needed it, for whatever arbitrary reason that popped into their delicate minds. Learned how to read in secret? DEATH TO YOU FOUL WENCH! Like penises in your butt! IT'S THE RACK FOR YOU, SCREECHING DEVIL! Or of course, if you 'were a witch' or simply just had a smart mouth, it was all over for you. Pretty much anything could get you into big fucking horrific trouble, and by the you even get into the room with these things, you're admitting to having done stuff that never even crossed your mind.

Innocent? I guess we'll kill you and just let God sort it out.
Guilty? Even better!

Bon appetit!
(Technically, photographs and cameras were not allowed to be taken inside. But what fun is life if you play by the rules all the time?)

Note the weights hanging from her hands and ankles.

Punishing sodomites by putting things up their ass.

Too bad we don't still utilize this.

Ouchy chair, pretty self explanatory.

Putting your head in a vice and then CRUSHING YOUR SKULL WITH IT with fix everything that was wrong with you. Technically by turning the evil that was inside your head into pudding.

The ends of these were put around your neck and you were led around by the pole. I think the smaller one on top is for children who didn't eat their porridge. And the one on the bottom? I don't even know.

Nag, nag, nag! Shut that broad up!

The ubiquitous 'rack'. You were strapped to this thing, and then there was a rope pulley at the top that was turned over and over again until the top and bottom half of your body separated into two distinct parts, internally. Oh yeah, and there's some spikes, too.

This may not look like much until you see it in its proper context. Refer to the next picture for further instruction.

Serious cameltoe.

A subtle water torture session. I'm pretty sure that guy is only in it for the free porn.

Ah. The "pear". This was inserted into (choose one or more of the following orifices): mouth, anus, vagina. The magic about this is that it was closed when they put it in, once it's in, they butterfly that shit open, spin it around inside of you and then yank it out. That'll teach ya not to blaspheme!

Everyone knows the iron maiden. The spikes inside were placed just so (I assume this only works on people of a very specific height, though) they wouldn't pierce or damage any pertinent organs or arteries. They were not there to kill you but to make you think about what you've done. Atfer of course, you're done thinking about the fact that 20 or so 4 inch spikes have been lodged into your body.

It's probably a good thing these were for killing, because I'm pretty sure all this stuff would give you tetanus first. Hrm.

Female chastity belt, with a cute little heart shape in the back so your poop can at least be decorative while this thing is cutting your inner thighs open and rusting in the wounds.

MALE chastity belt. Finally, a little equality! No boners for you, pal.

Water "interrogation" rack.

Kneeling rack. Knees go on the bottom shelf, wrists on the top. Apply vice, sins magically washed away!

There are so many spiky vices it can be hard to keep track of what body parts go where...

THIS ONE IS FOR RIPPING YOUR BREASTS OFF OF YOUR BODY. Sometimes red hot from being in the fire first, sometimes not. Ah, mercy!

King in the castle, king in the castle!

Yup. We're just going to twist this giant nail into the back of your neck, very slowly. You may feel a slight pressure. This is normal.

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part TEN

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 18:32:11 GMT

Technically, this exhibit was part of the National Museum (albeit temporary), but I figured the nature of it really merited its own post. Welcome to 17th century obstetrics. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Most of the instruments were pretty much used for exactly what they look like they would have been, and then some. Man, old school abortions looked pretty special!
Also, in the room they had a looping tape of different live births, I'm talking money shot angles and nothing else, playing while you were 'enjoying' the exhibit. It was THE single grossest thing I've ever seen because they showed it all, not just the baby coming out and then everyone being happy. No, no. They also showed the waterfall of elaborately colored liquids and solids that then come out after the baby. Not just afterbirth, urine and feces, there....other things I was hard pressed to recognize as human or even organic matter for that...matter. Best birth control ever.

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part NINE

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 18:20:30 GMT

With literally over 13 million items in this museum, there's really no way to adequately capture what's inside, but you can certainly attempt grasping at a slice. We were there for several hours thinking that we had seen most of what was available for us to see, but now upon further investigation online, I'm going to guess that we really only saw 40-50% of it. Man alive!

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part EIGHT

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 07:32:07 GMT

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Prague Castle is the biggest ancient castle in the world.
(More info.)
Unfortunately, by the time we had stumbled upon it, it was closed so we didn't get to see the interior, but that didn't stop me from taking a jillion pictures of the outside. Just to give you an idea of the mass of this thing, this is a picture of me, in front of it. Look closely.

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part SEVEN

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 06:59:03 GMT

A few blocks away from the Ossuary is the Cathedral of the Assumption of Our Lady the Virgin Mary, originally built in the 12th century, then burnt down and pillaged in the 1400's, rebuilt soon after and has undergone countless renovations since. It was even being worked on when we visited it, and it was cool since we were the only other people there.
The part of the church that is closed off to the public is now home to the country's tobacco industry headquarters. Take that, Christian invaders!

A quick note on the photographs

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 06:20:12 GMT

Whenever possible, I always insist on using natural light and shooting without a flash. I hate flashes.
Unless otherwise noted, all photographs I took on the trip were naturally lit.
Thank you and good night.

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part SIX

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 05:32:33 GMT

Hands down, possibly the coolest thing I've ever seen and a lot smaller than one might imagine. This chapel is about an hour South East of Prague and about a mile and a half walk from the bus station. Given that most of the Czech Republic's population is largely agnostic now, all of the Pagan structures turned-Roman Eastern Orthodox churches are more landmarks now than they are functioning houses of God.

Here is some history:
(Text copied from Wikipedia)

The Sedlec Ossuary (Czech: kostnice Sedlec) is a small Roman Catholic chapel, located beneath the Cemetery Church of All Saints (Czech: Hřbitovní kostel Všech Svatých) in Sedlec, a suburb of Kutná Hora in the Czech Republic. The ossuary contains approximately 40,000-70,000 human skeletons which have been artistically arranged to form decorations and furnishings for the chapel.

Henry, the abbot of the Cistercian monastery in Sedlec, was sent to the Holy Land by King Otakar II of Bohemia in 1278. When he returned, he brought with him a small amount of earth he had removed from Golgotha and sprinkled it over the abbey cemetery. The word of this pious act soon spread and the cemetery in Sedlec became a desirable burial site throughout Central Europe. During the Black Death in the mid 14th century, and after the Hussite Wars in the early 15th century, many thousands of people were buried there and the cemetery had to be greatly enlarged.

Around 1400 a Gothic church was built in the center of the cemetery with a vaulted upper level and a lower chapel to be used as an ossuary for the mass graves unearthed during construction, or simply slated for demolition to make room for new burials. After 1511 the task of exhuming skeletons and stacking their bones in the chapel was, according to legend, given to a half-blind monk of the order.
Between 1703 and 1710 a new entrance was constructed to support the front wall, which was leaning outward, and the upper chapel was rebuilt. This work, in the Czech Baroque style, was designed by Jan Santini Aichel.
In 1870, František Rint, a woodcarver, was employed by the Schwarzenberg family to put the bone heaps into order. The macabre result of his effort speaks for itself. Four enormous bell-shaped mounds occupy the corners of the chapel. An enormous chandelier of bones, which contains at least one of every bone in the human body, hangs from the center of the nave with garlands of skulls draping the vaults. Other works include piers and monstrances flanking the altar, a large Schwarzenberg coat-of-arms, and the signature of Rint, also executed in bone, on the wall near the entrance.

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part FIVE

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 19:18:47 GMT

Ok! Now that the lengthy observation phase is over, time for our itinerary! (a couple of iphone pics)

Next: actual photos! (over 300 of them, so they will be broken up into specific entries for each subject).

7/4/2009
4:48 pm Phoenix to Chicago. Stewardess informs us that we can bring
our own liquor onto the plane, but that we are not allowed to actually
consume it. She allows it anyways. Cool.

8:52 pm (Phoenix time, 4:52am London) plane from Chicago to England:
I think the guy acrross the isle ordered and subesequently ate 8 of
the in flight dinners before I even got halfway through mine. I think he fell asleep in them.
Watching "I Love You Man" on the seat tv and drinking rum.

(this picture best viewed in its own tab for the whole thing)

9:06p
Holy krap, we're in canada. Or, at least in it's air. That counts,
right?
Michael brings me a complimentary feminine hygiene product from the
bathroom. I'm not on my rag, but someday...I will be. It's the thought
that counts.

welcome to canada.

milk in a bag!!!!

7/5/09
5:49 am, Phoenix time. 1:50pm London Heathrowe.
This airport is the biggest monstrosity clusterfuck I have ever seen.
Nothing should be this big. It is stressful. But I did get some
delicious apple soda, fancy crisps and a magnet. I want them to
announce our gate already, but they won't...with their shed-yoo-ling
and all.

(this is NOTHING)

Undocumented time, late evening July 6th. Arrive in Prague. After a
bus then the subway and a short walk, we finally arrive at our hostel.
Long story short, they lost our reservations despite their assurance
that we had, in fact, done everything correctly. We are tired. Beyond
tired. Exhausted. Hot, hungry, achy and losing patience. We are sent
to another hostel where we must wait for an eternity to get checked
in. As soon as we do, we completely eschew the young evening's promise
of 'first night in a foreign city shenanigans' in exchange for going
straight to bed and sleeping our grouchy/aching off for the next 10
hours or so.

6:00pm...ish (Praha)
I have already taken around 90 pictures and it's only the first day.

DAY ONE:
-After sleeping forever, we wake up bright and early and venture out for breakfast. Nothing is open because it is a holiday and we are unaware. Except the local grocery markets. We pick up milk, yogurt, pastries fruit, chicken and beer then proceed to enjoy our meal in a nearby park. So nice!
-Get back to hostel, drink more beers in room.
-Wander about town for lunch (are you noticing a theme, here?) where we come across a delicious pizza place and a charming little courtyard. The people who live in the apartments above the courtyard occasionally peer out of their balconys to watch the diners. Quaint. DELICIOUS.
-'Happen upon' the National Museum on free admission day! Score! The biggest museum I have ever been in.
We are there for many hours.
-Off to find the Mucha museum! We do. And it is awesome. I buy lots of krap in the giftshop.
-Back to hostel for nap. Oh yeah, we took naps.
-Ventured across the river to find dinner. We did.
-After dinner, hopped around for some beers. Also: good.
-Back to hostel for sleepy times.

DAY TWO:
-Decide to daytrip it out to Kutna Hora. Take subway to the metro center, Florenc where all the busses in the country converge. Buy tickets out. Get on rickety bus for about an hour through quite possibly the most beautiful countryside I have ever seen. Poppy fields!
-Arrive, attempt to figure out map, walk to the Ossuary with an older lady from Iowa(?) and her teenage daughter. Conversation and teamwork with strangers get us to the church safe and delighted.
-Spend the day visiting the Sedlec Ossuary (or "the bone chapel") and also the church of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary. Vast. Insane. Gorgeous. So much history. But that will all come with the photos.
-Bus back to Prague. Back to hostel for a nap.
-Time for bar hopping! Went to many, drank all kinds of strange things, saw many amusing people.
-Wandering about 2 or 3 am. Hey! There's a strip club and all the bars are closed. We want to see boobbies and drink beer. You bet we went in! Got a table dance from a very tall, very Scandanavian woman. 3 songs, totally nude. Awesome.
-Decide to find the infamous 5 story dance club. Cannot. Want more booze. Wander into a non-stop and ask the clerk where we can go to dance. The guy who in line in front of us informs us that that place is a stupid tourist trap and that if want to go to a good dance club, to go to the Roxy. He runs the Prague pub crawls, incidentally. He knows what's up. We try, in vain, to find this place and to no avail on both accounts. Some punk kids in the park ask me for a cigarette and I agree in exchange for directions to the Roxy. Again, we cannot find it. It's pushing 4 am and we are tired but still in need of excitement.
-Wander into a 'music club' where no music is playing. But it is a cool underground (basement) bar with a couple of other folks in it and a nice bartender. We play cards and drink some beers.
-Back to the hostel where one of our British roommates (a ginger kid!!) taught us a cool card game called 'Shithead' we drink more beers and play a few rounds and converse about England.
-Finally get to sleep round 5 or 6 am.

DAY 3:
-HUNG. OVER. Something fierce.
Go downstairs to hostel kitchen and make the strange ramen we purchased on our first day and drink as much water as we can to stave off our horrible headaches/nausea. It marginally works. We see our roommates at the computers giggling about a tryst with an Asian girl in a different country a few nights prior. He reads aloud the email she sent in the cutest broken English EVAR.
-Off to the magnificent Charles Bridge! Man this place is crowded.
-Cross the bridge and time for the Kafka museum (unfortunately, no pictures of this...). Buy lots of krap in the giftshop (mostly for Bryan). It is very cool and that guy's life was FUCKED UP.
-Lunch/dinner in an adorable outdoor cafe practically under the bridge. Man, I think my favorite part of the trip was all of the eating and drinking. It was always just so pleasant and delicious. I write my 3rd postcard to Bryan.
-Visit the 'John Lennon wall'. Live graffiti is happening. So very cool.
-Duck into the Medieval Torture Instrument museum. Holy shit. Early Christians were fucked up beyond all belief. Photos of this coming soon.
-Wandered around some beautiful gardens that had a vineyard in it, presumably the grapes that make the wine served at the wine restaurant at the base of the garden.
-Climb an immense amount of stairs to the Prague Castle. It is unfortunately closed, but still fucking incredible. You cannot fathom the vastness of this thing. We take a million pictures.
-It is our last real night here, so we have dinner at a super fancy restaurant under the Dali/Mucha exhibition (which is also closed, the daylight here is deceptive. 9 pm and still bright out). Order a bottle of champagne and more delicious foods. Our waiter is wearing a sweater and a bowtie and we suspect he was double dropping the bills because we received what appeared to be the bill from the table next to us. It is substantially cheaper than we calculated ours out to be. We do the unethical thing and pretend we can't read it and pay it anyways. The waiter does not notice either...
-Back to hostel for sleep before we have to fly out tomorrow morning.

Day 4:
Pack up and leave. Under much protesting on my part. I even try to see if Michael's mom can finagle a day or two extra for me. I have enough money and don't want to go back to America, ever. Schemed some illegal immigration stuff. Ended up going to the airport to catch my stupid flight. A million hours later we are in New York for the night.
From my notebook:
"We're about to land in New York City, but I find myself completely indifferent despite having never been here in addition to the claims that is is the 'greatest city in the world'. I almost want to avoid all exposure to it for fear that this filthy, angry metropolis will ruin my newfound old-world serenity high. But I suppose I will find out for sure once we get there."

-We get to our hotel. I am too tired and sore to move a muscle in my body. Michael has a friend here who has offered to take us out to dinner and to Time's Square. I decline and opt to sleep instead. He goes out.

DAY 5 (or whatever):
-The next morning it's time to fly to Dallas and then to Phoenix. We have breakfast and mimosas in the hotel lobby first.
-The Dallas airport has a FOX NEWS STORE. Bill O'Reilly t-shirts galore. Oh man. We are not from around here and it is painfully obvious.
-Land in Phoenix. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part FOUR

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 04:43:53 GMT

This is NOT an account of ANY of the things that we did or saw, there are no photographs (though both of these items are coming soon).

These are merely observations of the time, place, people, culture etc that we encountered whilst on our trip, according to what's in my chickenscratched notebook:

You might want to read it anyways.

SMOKING

Much like beer, cigarettes can be purchased and enjoyed everywhere. In fact, if you're not smoking and you're out in public, you will be tarred and feathered. And that's what you get for being uncool.
Kiosks, stands and every single other type of 'convenience stop' sells cigarettes, magazines and booze; quite possibly the most accessible items here. The cigarettes here were smaller and even though everything else was relatively cheap, they cost about the same as they do here in the states. The warning labels are on the front, and take up at least half of the package. I couldn't read them, but if they were anything like the British ones, (minus the gross pictures) they said something along the lines of ,"This will fucking kill you, idiot.". Nobody seemed to mind. I must have smoked about 1,000 cloves and the best part was that I could do it when and wherever I pleased with nobody bitching at me. Awesome.

SEX

Although I partook in none, it's safe to say that the idea that Europeans are more liberal in their attitudes toward sex is true. If you think America uses sex to advertise every conceivable item, Europe kicks it up a notch. But then again, advertising for shit isn't plastered on every single purchasable surface like it is here. There were few, if any at all, billboards, bus ads, or subway posters. You can buy porn just about anywhere you could buy anything else that was printed. Sex shops (or "erotic cities") were everywhere and there was no discretion used at all on the outside of the shop to display what was inside. Strip clubs were abundant and although we didn't actually see any brothels, the internet tells me there are quite a few. Perhaps next time, I'll go with somebody I can bang, so I'll have more to report on the subject, haha!

SHOPPING/SHOPS/BUSINESSES

Aside from regular shops/restaurants and bars (which close at 12), there were 3 other ways to procure alcohol. Varnas, open 24 hours; 'music clubs' usually open until 5AM and strip clubs, I can't say for sure, but I'm pretty sure they never closed either. I'm sure there are more, but we were only there for so long. So.

Varnas are interesting. It's basically a small, dark, smoky dive bar (like they all were) but with actual gambling slot machines. Basically, mini casinos that nobody really seemed to care about. No glitz or glamour or flashing lights here. Just a bar and some machines. Most of them weren't any bigger than my studio apartment and they were all over the place as well.

Apparently, in order to drink, gamble or smoke you had to be 18, but I never once saw a single person get carded for anything ever and there were some yoouunng looking people partaking. Nice. We never got carded once for anything, whereas here I still get carded for fucking R-rated movies. Give me a goddamned break. Over there, they use their judgement, here we have "policies" to do our 'thinking' for us (ie-the obscenely ridiculous 'If you look under 40, you're getting carded!').

Non-stops are exactly what they sound like. 24 hour convenience stores, except without the chainage, again...all independently owned/operated. Past 2 am and you want a beer? No problem! Get one 24/7. So good.

People in shops do not hand change back to you. There are usually little trays that they put your change on and slide it over to you. I can't say I blame them, money is the single filthiest thing you can touch with your hands and that's a scientific fact. I hated having to gently place people's change back into their disgusting hands when I worked retail. Why can't we do that here? Didn't seem to be a problem.

Tipping is usually added to the bill (a small amount, since they aren't actually working for tips), or if you want to tip them yourself, just round it up to a few extra crowns. Over-tipping is considered crass and flaunting. These people make a living wage, so it's not entirely necessary and I even had a tip or two refused when I tried to give them.

I didn't do much shopping outside of food, beverages, and souvenirs to be honest, but the shops all seemed to be, once again, local little boutiques. All the big brand stuff was outside of town near the airport (which was 12 miles outside of Prague city limits).

Restaurants/bars and other public places were (thankfully) completely lacking in televisions and mirrors (except for ONE place we went to, there was a tv). Which was kind of a culture shock when we came back and our hotel in New York was practically paneled in mirrors and flat-screen tvs. There wasn't a constant digital bombardment, noise pollution or aggravating flashing lights there. No wonder the people seemed so de-stressed.

MONEY

Ah, yes. The gorgeous, amazing, awesome exchange rate. The Czech Republic has not adopted the Euro (and it really doesn't appear that that would ever be in their best interest either), so your American dollar can actually be used to purchase goods and services, unlike in the United Kingdom or any other country that runs the Euro or Pounds.
The average employed CR citizen makes about $700usd/month, so naturally things are scaled appropriately to accommodate such an income. This in conjunction with the high exchange rate makes going here a real treat. A cheap, cheap treat.
These things tend to fluctuate on a daily basis, but while we were there the rate was about 18Kc to 1USD, which basically means you can order an entire pizza, a few beers and a slab of tiramisu for about 144Kc (or $8.00) like we did.
20oz beers in the grocery stores hovered between 9 and 20Kc ($0.50 - $1.10).
Food, drink, souvenirs, transportation, entertainment, and attraction admissions were really never more than 5 or 6 dollars. Your money goes a long way here, and especially if you're already kind of budget travelers like us (ie: poor people).

I took $500usd with me, thinking "I've got to make this last!" which wasn't even an issue at all. Even after having paid for our lodgings for 5 days, eating, drinking and buying stupid krap, I still had 1,000s of crowns left over by the time we got to the airport to leave. You can EASILY go with only 2 or 300 dollars are be perfectly comfortable (assuming, of course, you are staying in hostels, using public transportation and not doing any high-end shopping). I blew the rest in duty free shops on the way home. And I still have some left over.

You do not need to take or use anything but cash, it accepted everywhere (except apparently on dumbassed British Airways, which "does not accept cash"). You don't need traveler's cheques, credit/debit cards or any other stupid krap that you just have to pay extra/stupid fees to get or to use.
Before we left, we went to Michael's bank and just ordered the currency. It didn't cost one cent to do this and you show up with your money all ready to go. Avoid "change/exchange" shops which charge high premiums for currency conversion. Just do it here in America before you go. And don't spend any money in Britain, it'll cost you like $26 for a hamburger because the Pound is crazy powerful.

SAFETY

Guide books and pals who have been there were very adamant to us about "watching out" and "being super careful" about your person while in CR.
I think they were just being way overly paranoid because we never, not even once, felt for one second that our personal safety or belongings were in any danger whatsoever. Not even close.
I live in a lot more fear in desolate-ass Arizona than I ever did in Prague. The popular warnings are against pickpocketing and petty theft, as there is very little violent crime, especially against tourists (and no, I have never seen Hostel, ok?). They were all like, "Don't take your passport anywhere with you! You need to wear a gay 'moneybelt'! etc etc etc."
You don't. I took my passport, ID and all of my cash everywhere on my person at all times. Nobody ever even tried to come anywhere near us (maybe we are just scary looking enough and/or don't look/act like retarded tourists). I guess just use your best judgement, if you've got an ounce of street smarts, nobody will mess with you. Just like here, if you look like some kind of victim, you'll probably end up being one. Thems the brakes, kid.

Even in the hostel, there were lockers to lock our shit up, but we never used them. I left my bag on my bed usually open, complete with my iphone, gameboy and other awesome crap inside. There were at least 4 different guests in our room every night in addition to us. We all left our krap everywhere. Young travelers seem to have a pretty solid honor system. We didn't mess with their krap, they didn't mess with ours. Simple.

WEATHER

Beautiful. Fair. Mild. Warmish. Short, light drizzles here and there.
Perfect.
Though the drastic time change made things weird. It would still be totally light out at 9pm. And 5 am.
So much daytime!

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part THREE

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 20:59:25 GMT

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part TWO

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 20:09:32 GMT

Notes from abroad: the Republiky Cesky/Praha part ONE

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 17:39:49 GMT

This is NOT an account of ANY of the things that we did or saw, there are no photographs (though both of these items are coming soon).

These are merely observations of the time, place, people, culture etc that we encountered whilst on our trip, according to what's in my chickenscratched notebook:

You might want to read it anyways.

FOOD
What can I say? This place was paradise to me when it came to shoving things into my gullet, liquid included (but that's a whole other topic itself!)

When you hear people refer to a nationality's cuisine as "meat and potatoes" you'd better believe it's as true as that statement can possibly be when you visit the Czech Republic (Sorry, vegetarians/vegans...I'm pretty sure they don't even know what that means, you'll have to pack your own lunch). Local fare (and local fare is the only way to eat here, if you want it authentic and delicious) primarily consisted of pork. There were also chicken and beef dishes, but they were less common.
Pork is king here. They cram it into everything. Think you're about to bite into a delicious cream cheese danish? Think again! There's pork INSIDE of that thing! And they don't even tell you! A lesson QUICKLY learned on my part. You'd be well off to just assume that whatever you're eating is going to be filled with pork somehow, it will save you a lot of surprise and a little bit of hassle. This is not an exaggeration.
In addition to the delicious meats, potatoes and cabbage were probably second most common, usually served alongside. Dumplings also, but not the kind you're used to. Definitely more of a really dense, sort of moist bread, a little bland but not entirely bad.
In restaurants meat is served and charged by the gram, which basically means that the price on the menu is probably not exactly what's going to be on your bill. If chicken is x-amount of crowns for 100g and you 'order the chicken', and then whatever piece they happen to give you weighs more or less than that, then that's what you get charged for. Seems like a pretty solid system to me, paying only for what you've received (and they say communism is dead!).
The food here isn't really exotic or terrifying, in fact, it's downright comfortable. Soups, salads, sandwiches, meat dishes, pizzas etc. Western Hemisphere type cafe stuff. It all also appeared to be fresh and largely locally acquired (we ate at a restaurant on our last day that only served produce that they grew in their own garden themselves, it doesn't get ANY fresher than that!).
It may not have looked very pretty for the most part, but it tasted damned swell.
The rest of the world can definitely take some cues from them in the way they cut and serve bacon. Think: sheet of bacon, not cut into slices, barely cooked. Really good on pizza!

Dining out is NOT anything like here in the states, but in a good way (at least to me, though I suspect most 'NEED IT NOW'-type Americans may lose their patience with a system designed around the actual enjoyment of a meal as opposed to its mere consumption, but I digress and am getting slightly off topic). Waitstaff are polite but to the point. Not surly, nor overly friendly. They get paid a, GET THIS, living wage to wait tables and cook food, so tipping is also different as are they attitudes of the servers/customers. They are not looked down upon and treated like the scum of the earth like they are here. It appears that being good at what you do, no matter what it is, merits respect and a decent paycheck over there. What a fucking concept!
Anyhow. It would be crass to say service is slow. It's not slow, it's leisurely. It's Europe. Eating is not a contest or a get-in-get-out type of affair. You are expected to linger, possibly for a few hours. It's not necessarily about the food itself, so much as it is about the experience. Yes, it is going to take forever to place and order, get to food and subsequently the check. But, that's not a bad thing if you aren't in any big hurry and are intent on really absorbing they way other cultures treat things.

Prague has the most bars/cafes per capita than any other major metropolitan area in the world, so you will never be at a loss for food. Cafes are, literally, every other door open on any given street. Just duck into one that looks interesting/cheap/delicious/whatever floats your boat. There is never a wait or reservations needed as no place is ever crowded given the vast number of places to go. ALL are locally owned and operated, and small. I saw ZERO dining chains whatsoever (with the exception of American imports: KFC, Burger King, McDonalds and TGI Friday's). And even the American chains were sort of few and far between. We ate at a BK once because it was the only food place in this one bus station we were at. They had chicken wings and Pilsner.

There was also a curious concoction that I regrettably did not get the chance to try, which was sold in stand and kiosks on the street (I never saw these on an actual restaurant menu...) and it was fried cheese patty sandwiches. Think: mozzarella sticks...but in the form of a hamburger patty and covered in mayonnaise.
Intriguing!

Grocery stores are small, but there's always one around. Food is fresh and not the prettiest stuff ever, but that's because we're so used to our food looking completely fake, uniform and stacked to the ceiling. There only seemed to be one chain, which was called "Albert", but even the Albert was awesome. The reason they were so small was because they weren't filled with krap. Seriously, no canned ravioli, no boxes of frozen taquitos, no isles and isles of high fructose corn syrup. The first morning we wandered into one to pick up some breakfast. Fresh baked pastries, fresh fruit, yogurt, beer....and all insanely cheap. But the exchange rate is also another topic.

The best thing I ate the entire time we were there was this stuff called goulash soup. Seriously, it kind of looked like a bowl of chunky gravy, but was so insanely delicious that I was sad to had only discovered it on the last day of our trip or I would have insisted on a bucket of it everywhere we went to. Haha.

DRINK
Again, what can I say about the drinking situation here? This place was some prime ass real estate for beer lovers.

Beer, in all of its forms, can literally be acquired EVERYWHERE, anytime. And consumed anywhere, at any time. Oh yeah. It's also crazy cheap. Given these two facts, you'd think that there would be drunks everywhere. But no. Oh sure, they drink steadily all day long, but they don't go nuts with it. I don't think I saw any obviously drunk Czechs, but I definitely saw some belligerent British folk. Moley, they were obnoxious!

Plzen is where the world's first lager was born (I'm pretty sure Pilsner Urquell owns all of the CR in some way shape or form), and this was good news to me since that is my favorite kind brew, hands down.

The three main brands that were sold practically everywhere were Pilsner Urquell, Stella Artois and Gambrinus (Pilsner Urquell, however, can be purchased EVERYWHERE, bus stations, toy stores, McDonalds, the lobby of our hostel, bookstores...).
Needless to say, because the beer is brewed locally and doesn't have stupid American FDA regulations pinned on them, they were 100 times way more delicious than their US 'versions'. Czech Stella was the single best beer I've ever had. Coming back and drinking it here is a huge disappointment, so much so that I don't even think it's that good anymore. Gambrinus, the cheapest beer that is sold, was pretty damn good considering. Even that was way better than the mid-grade stuff here.

There was also the curious case of the Budweiser. Stay with me here. Budweiser is NOT an American beer, origin-wise. It started in the Czech Republic, America was like, "Wah! I want it, too! I'm going to sue you so I can have it!". So, in America, the Czech Budweiser is called either Budvar or Czechvar, but in the CR it's called Budweiser as well as everywhere else in the world. It is, also, way better than our 'version'. But I suppose that's not saying much.
I did not see one American beer anywhere we went to. But then again, why would I? They are the beer producing/beer drinking capital of the world and they've got that shit down pat. So why drink anything inferior? Even their shitty beer is good.

Wine and other spirits are available as well. But the Czechs are not renowned winemakers, so drink this at your own risk. It is, however, dirt cheap. "Expensive" bottles running around $8USD.

Absinth is also HUGE here, maybe even second to beer in it's availability/popularity. You can also purchase this just about anywhere you can purchase any other kind of alcohol. There were even shops that just specialized in just absinthe. And this is the real stuff too, thujone and all. There were so many different kinds to choose from and I really just had no idea where to begin. I didn't honestly have much, just a sip or two of an absinthe cocktail Michael ordered at a bar. I bought a small bottle for Bryan.

Hilariously enough, most menus that served other refreshments besides the alcoholic kind, charged way more for them. Juices, fancy waters and some types of sodas were always more expensive than beer/wine. Hahah, you want to vacation dry? You're going to pay for that shit!

Bon appetit!

DUDE:

Wed, 13 May 2009 19:38:25 GMT

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

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Arizona State Snubs Obama

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strawberry samples:

Tue, 12 May 2009 06:51:58 GMT

Freaking cool:

(photos by Matt Dickson)